GROUND RULES FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

Learning to communicate more effectively is a difficult process, but considering the kind of investment that you have made in your relationship, it is well worth the effort.  Remember that following the rules is a learning process, and many mistakes will be made as you learn to be a more effective communicator.  The wonderful thing is that you know that with whomever you are working together is as motivated as you are to climb the learning curve.  YOU WILL GET TO THE TOP IF YOU WORK AT IT!  Most everyone who has tried to improve their communication with these rules have reported how much their quality of life has improved as a result of the increased understanding and decreased fighting.  Just be patient and keep trying, and you will likely report the same results. Good luck!

• No interrupting.  Only one person has the floor, while the other(s) (i.e. your partner or other members of the family) is (are) the active listener(s).

• The person who has the floor must talk in a respectful tone and volume, and must attempt to speak without too much emotion.  The content of the information should convey the message that one wishes to communicate, not the process. The person must also be conscious of the length of time that he/she has the floor.  There is always going to be more to say, but don’t try to get all the information out in one shot.  Your listener(s) should not have to hold onto too much detail at a time before being given the opportunity to respond.  Your listener’s obligation is to ensure that you get all the time you need to convey your thoughts and feelings before the “communication session” is over.

• An active listener has two objectives to meet: 1) to listen as attentively as possible to what is being said, and 2) to convey non-verbally that he/she/they is (are) listening respectfully.  Eye contact and head-nodding are two examples of being an active listener.

• When the active listener takes the floor, his/her first obligation is to validate the previous speaker and his/her feelings:  something like “I understand how you feel” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  Another kind of empathic response is:  “That must have been very upsetting for you.”  If you completely agree with what has been said, you respond with statements like “You’re absolutely right; you have every reason to be upset.”  If you completely disagree, DO NOT CORRECT HIM/HER BEFORE YOU ACKNOWLEDGE HIS/HER FEELINGS!  You start by validating his/her feelings and sensitively stating how your perception is different than his/hers. An example of this kind of response would be:  “I am sorry that you are so upset about…….”   If you partially agree with what has been said, start by commenting on what you agree about, making sure you validate their feelings.

• Stick to your agenda and discuss only one item at a time.  Do not bring other points into the conversation until you both (all) agree that the issue being discussed is adequately resolved.

GUIDELINES TO AVOID BREAKDOWNS

• Many mistakes will be made in the process as you both (all) learn how to communicate more effectively.  You must fight all the negative feelings of frustration that you will experience as your partner (or other family members) make(s) such errors.  If you continue to work on it, there will be evidence of an immediate improvement in your former levels of communication.  Try to remember the commitment you have all made to each other before you agreed to make this effort.  It is your responsibility to look beyond your negative feelings and remind yourself that part of your responsibility to the relationship is to put the relationship ahead of your personal needs and feelings.  Furthermore, it will help you remember that it would be a contribution to the effort to try to right the ship that your partner or other family members has/have apparently steered off course.  Everyone has made the same commitment to each other as you all want to be on the ‘same team’.   The only way to get to the finish line is if everyone works with the same objectives in mind.

• When an error is committed, the one who is first to identify it must try to interrupt as close to the moment of the committed error.  Work out a code, like “Time Out” (verbally and/or a non-verbal sign), or anything else that is acceptable to all of you.  Practice with each other how you would do it (voice tone, sensitivity levels, words to use, etc.)  The person calling the “Time Out” takes control of the floor and must, in a soft and caring manner, request that the both (all) of you just back it up a bit to “Get back on course.”  That phrase should be stated in a way so that it will be interpreted that an error may have been committed, probably due to overwhelming emotions in the communication process.  It then becomes the responsibility of the original speaker to assess whether or not he/she is feeling comfortable enough, and to take a deep breath before restarting with as calm an attitude as possible.  A nice touch would be to thank the person for straightening out the course of the communication.  This builds up the bond of the teamwork concept, increasing both trust and respect.

• In the event that someone has attempted to “Time Out” the communication and is met with resistance, you must say: “Time Out-For Real”.  You will then state that you feel that it is not a good idea for the discussion to continue because of the way you feel the conversation is going. You suggest a small recess and you will return to continue the conversation.  Everyone must agree to both stop the communication at this point and focus on taking deep breaths to relax and clear their mind to be able to return to communicate and proceed in a productive manner.

• In the worst case scenario, if one is too emotional to be able to follow the “Time Out” protocol, the person in control has the right to confront his/her partner or other family members with the ultimate trump card:  your relationship overrides each of your personal needs and you all individually have an obligation to STOP before any further damage is done.  All of you must then hit your personal RESET buttons by taking a pause and some deep breaths, clearing your head and trying to calm down.  It then becomes your responsibility to gain control of your emotions to be able to return to a productive conversation.

• Discussion of any kind regarding the “Time Out-For Real” call must be reserved until everyone is in or has regained control.  Your individual obligation is to trust that whoever makes the call will do so only if he/she sincerely feels that the communication is steering dangerously off course and that further discussion would lead to an unfortunate argument.

FOUR RULES FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

1. STATE HOW YOU FEEL:  “I’m not happy right now,” or, “I’m really upset with you.”  Be careful not to use heavier weighted words, as this tends to increase the arousal in both you and your partner (or other family member), something you are both (all) trying to avoid.
2. STATE WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO:  Here is where you explain your perception of what you feel is wrong.
3. STATE HOW THE WORLD SHOULD BE AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED:  Here is where you explain what changes need to occur in the future to avoid a repetition of this error.
4. ASK FOR FEEDBACK:  Here is where you turn the conversation over to your partner (or other family member) for a response to your communication.

If you would like more information contact Howard at howardschwartz@appliedlearningcenter.com